I grew up in a small town of about 6000 people known as Marshfield in the buckle of the bible belt, Missouri. Naturally, in a place like this, Christianity is the dominant religion. I grew up in a Christian household and attended church most Wednesdays and some Sundays. I look back on those days and I now realize that I was religiously sheltered. I was never exposed to new ideas, so naturally, I was a Christian. Even as a Christian, however, there were things about my faith that didn't make sense to me. I asked my pastor, but every answer I got either didn't make any sense or he got angry at me and told me not to question God. The seeds of doubt were planted when I was forced to look for the answers myself. That was also the time I learned about evolution.
It made sense to me and there was tons of evidence supporting it, so I accepted it as fact. But then the cogs in my head began to turn. My logic went like this; if evolution is true, the creation story isn't. If the creation story isn't true, there was no Original Sin, without Original Sin, there isn't Jesus, and without Jesus, there is no Christianity. So, after this bit of contemplation, Christianity and its denominations were off the table for me. What follows is a time of religious contemplation and turmoil that lasts a little less than a year.
So here I am, a 13 year old boy, looking for answers. I began to look at other religions, wondering where I should place my faith. One by one, I studied all the religions I could think of, but none of them I could believe. So, I converted to Deism. For those who do not know, Deists believe in a god, but one that does not interfere in the lives of his or her creations. He or she created the universe and left it alone. But it wasn't long before this position didn't make much sense either. I read "The Blind Watchmaker" by Richard Dawkins. His arguments were well thought out and I accepted them. That was when I dropped the belief of an intelligent designer.
For a period of around four months, I had no labels. I was not a Theist, or a Deist, nor was I an Agnostic or an Atheist. This next part is a little fuzzy, but I eventually began calling myself an Agnostic. But the more I read Atheist literature, the more Atheism made sense. So, at the age of fourteen, I became an Atheist. I was sixteen when I came out to my mother. I still clearly remember it. My grandmother was faced with the possibility of surgery and I was really scared that she was going to die. This was a real possibility. I was crying and carrying on because my grandmother was pretty much my father. She took me fishing and did all the things a father would do because my father wasn't there.
Faced with her death, I couldn't take it. That was when my mother told me; "We just have to pray." Remember, she still thinks i'm a Christian. But that line made something snap within me. I just looked at her and said; "I can't pray." She seemed a little confused, so she asked me for clarification. "Why?" she asked me. These four words took a massive weight off my shoulders. "Because i'm an Atheist." At this time, I was staring off into space, so I couldn't see her reaction. Her voice made me think she was shocked. It was a tiny bit shaky. Her next question was "Do you believe in God?" To which I replied, "No." I'm pretty sure she thought I didn't know what an Atheist was, so she needed to make sure I really was one. She paused for a short moment before walking off.
She did accept me in the end. She doesn't judge me, I don't judge her. But my grandmother was a different story. Her reaction was rather angry, which made me angry too. She gave me such lines as "I hope you get out of this phase soon" and "One of these days, something's going to happen that's going to bring you to your knees." After these past two years and me clarifying that this wasn't a sudden thing, these accusations that it is just a phase stopped. Now, her line when I bring up my Atheism or criticize the Bible is; "I hope you change your way of thinking." She even blamed the fact I believed in Santa Clause as a child for my lack of faith.
What are your stories? Post in the comments and let me know. I'm very interested in hearing yours.
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